My heart skipped all it’s beats
And sank right to my feet –
And in that moment,
I had to remind myself to breathe.
I put one foot in front of the other
Like a soldier
I feel the wind in my face,
The breeze through my hair –
My peripheral it is obstructing.
My lips are left ajar,
Pupils pulsing with the beat of my heart –
Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.
And as I ponder the dichotomies
Of love and life –
I am left aimlessly wondering.
A familiar flutter
A wayward dance
A wilting rose
Does so with elegance
Honesty is a sought-after commodity
That you can give but never get back;
Rather, if I told you everything’s a lie,
Would I then be lying – or have you lost track?
Anything you say to this is a lie you must retract.
I know you know
I wonder if you could feel my heart racing beneath the blanket
If you could feel my hands fumbling for proximity
If you could sense my anxious heart in limbo
If you could somehow tell that all I wanted to do
Was to be close to you
Even closer than we were last night
I wonder if you’d let me
I wonder if I could try
I Should Have Told You
Perhaps we said
Those three words
A little too much;
But even if
We didn’t speak love
With our lips,
It was written in your eyes;
Painted with our hands;
You showed me with a kiss.
I thought you were too good
To be true – I knew;
Now I know I should have known
Not once did you speak the truth.
As the day loses light
An hour loses its minutes
A storm loses its rain
And a fire loses flame
Trees lose their leaves
The snow will eventually recede
Dawn shall turn to dusk
And it will all come to pass
But the optimist loses hope
The heartbroken loses sleep
Her heart loses its beat
She has plunged way too deep
She grips on to a mast
But the faithful fails to trust
It is all just too much
The lover loses love
And she would like to ask
When will all this pass?
I remember how it used to feel
Every time prior to meeting you –
The way butterflies grew from the pits of my stomach;
How my heart would race because it liked the view.
I remember what it felt like
Every time you looked at me –
The way you stared into my soul;
How I melted from your gaze so gently.
I remember how you made me feel
Every time you touched me so tenderly –
The way you held my hands in yours;
How everything would fit so perfectly.
I remember how it felt like that night –
To have my heart ache in dying pain;
To fall to my knees in a standing crowd;
To cry cries that screamed in vain.
I will remember how it feels like
Every time thoughts of you surface –
The way my stomach knots itself in disgust;
How my jaw dropped in the first place.
I am always remembering how it feels –
Because losing you isn’t just a one-time affair;
And I hope never to fall in love again
Because the torture is more than I can bear.
Dear Mother, I wonder
What is it that you think of when you look at me?
Do you still worry and ponder;
Or are you filled with hope and wonder?
I wonder what you see when you look into my eyes –
Do you see sparkling seas raging within a carefree child;
Tiredness trying to be kept at bay;
Or a world of sadness you wish you could take away?
I wonder what you think of when you watch me walk –
Do you think of how tall I’ve grown?
Do you like the woman I’ve become;
Or are you disappointed in more ways than one?
I wonder what would go through your mind
When you realise I still love a man I shouldn’t;
When you find out I sulk myself to sleep;
If you knew the secrets I keep so deep.
I wonder what you would feel,
When one day I walk out the front door;
When I turn twenty-one or twenty-four –
Will you have learned to let me go?
Mother, I wonder why –
Why the world is so unkind;
Why I wasn’t taught to love or to let go;
Why do people treat me so?
I wonder why I always fall before I fail;
Why I wasn’t taught love does not prevail?
And I wonder, when one day Father will walk me down the aisle;
My dress will be longer than tower Eiffel;
With my hair up and makeup done;
Do you think my daughter will like her mum?
It starts with you
The butterflies growing
The heart beating
The sparks flying
It starts with you
The palm sweating
The spine tingling
The adrenaline peaking
It starts with you
The nervous breathing
The hesitant pausing
The anxious waiting
It starts with you
The white lying
The mask hiding
The blatant cheating
The downright disgusting
It starts with you
The incessant crying
The crude swearing
The soul crushing
The feelings lingering
The stomach churning
The eyes burning
The heart wrenching
The downwards weighing
The heart sinking
The almost ending
I saw you tonight and I trembled
In my shoes.
My body stayed shaken for well over
Twenty minutes, and I
Couldn’t stop myself. Even when
I walked down and said, “Thank you”
On my way out.
Had I saw you earlier – saw you in that
Tired state – I probably would have said,
Come to me. I’ll give you my seat
So that you can sleep.”
I would have let you rest your head instead
Of my fatigued figure –
Tired from the tears I have teared
For you, and the cries I have cried that have mourned
And while it has soaked up all the courage I can muster
To do everything I have done – things I once swore never
To do to anyone – and if I ever make out another,
With my lips, I am thankful for the supernatural being
That has possessed me to love you like this; convinced
That I have dug myself into a dark abyss, and the rope
You fed me lacks the integrity
To carry the weight of your lies that burdens me.
In the depths of a self-perpetuating salty sea,
I am an anchor
Heavy enough to keep myself submerged, yet
Too small to steady the ship she’s
Am I the girl you once met, but (you)
Sweep me off my feet –
Remind me how much I like to stand on firm ground.
Make my heart skip all its beats –
Remind me how much I like to hear it pound.
Twirl me; spin me off my seat –
Remind me how much I like to sit in your surrounds.
Drown me in your love knee-deep –
Remind me how much I like to breathe the soft sound;
The faint whisper of, “let’s go for another round”.
To write a postcard is to say,
“I miss you,”
In every possible way –
I wish you had stayed.
I remember the first time
I caught a glimpse of you from the corner of my eye.
I was feeling nervous, and so scared,
But in my mind I thought to myself,
“Hey, he’s cute.”
Right there was where I stood,
Like a statue, but right at you –
On the opposite side of the counter.
I wish I wasn’t there, but I was relieved at the same time.
Right there was where we ate;
In those seats was where we sat,
Where we watched and where we laughed and
Where we leaned.
Right there was where we walked,
Where we sat down and where we talked –
That was where I couldn’t stop myself from falling;
Over and over.
Right there was where we hooked arms,
Where we held hands and where we were calm;
Where we shared everything,
Including our food.
Right there was where we took that photo,
Where we never wanted to let go.
Where we celebrated and where we made plans together
For the future.
Right there was where we lied under the stars –
Where we drank and where you parked your car.
Where I was convinced by your crocodile tears, those that
I couldn’t bear.
Right there was where I felt safe –
Where I was myself, and where I didn’t have to put on a fake face.
Where I took risks knowing that I
Would be ok.
Right there was where I was scared –
Where I feared for my life and where I cried tears.
Where I sat at a window seat and swallowed my sobs as I
Held onto faith.
Right there was where I was delusional –
Where I saw all sorts of illusions and where I was in denial.
Where I thought to myself, “Maybe
I still have a chance.”
Right there was where I slowed down –
Where I tried to hide and where I fell to the ground.
Where I felt my lungs deflate, and thought,
“Is this fate?”
Right there was where I stood out from the crowd –
Where I was on my knees and where I cried my eyes out.
Where I was sprawled between an illuminated orange road sign and
A glass wall.
Right there was where I wished we had never met – ever.
Where I hoped to wake up with amnesia,
Where I tired to eradicate those memories that made me,
Thinking, “if only.”
Right here is where I feel myself disintegrate –
Where my thoughts consume me and drive me crazy.
Where my optimism is beyond me, and I wonder,
“Is this ‘me’?”
Right now, you could still find me
On the street or in your memory –
Where we whispered secrets, and where there
Was no animosity.
Right now, I could be anywhere – I am somewhere
At the beginning, the middle, or the end;
Where I cannot recognise my surroundings, and I wish I wasn’t here,
But at the same time I am relieved (not really).
I thought I would be ok –
But my stomach knots and churns and
I genuinely feel sick – because this
Is where it hurts the most.
We Were Meant To Be
A warmth on my face wakes me from rest.
I smell a whiff of sweet syrup and
Breathe in the aroma of roasted beans
That tempt me out of bed.
I imagine you next to me resting
Softly in sweet slumber and I
Kiss you gently on the forehead
Hoping you would sleep longer.
But do you believe in ‘meant to be’s?
I do – but what will be
Is what I make it to be –
In my hands I hold my destiny.
Do you ever lie in bed at night,
Staring into blank space and
Wondering what this life is,
Why you’re here or who’s watching you
From up there?
In those hundreds of seconds
I think thousands of thoughts
But ultimately I am lost.
But I know with all the imperfections in my soul
That I was always meant to be yours –
I was just the one you chose not to know.
Weight of the World
I’ve got the world on my mind,
My mind in my head,
My head on my shoulders –
Shoulders you once leaned on;
That once felt your tears –
Shoulders that carry more weight
Now that you’ve disappeared.